The Simpaticostic Life

I’m not really sure what I feel right now.

I have been spending so many thoughts just connecting to Jesus. It’s like how Somewhere (the DH) and I are in regular conversation We’re either texting or calling or talking… all the time. It’s weird whenever we go a couple hours with nothing. Now, my job requires me to not have my cellphone out while I’m working, so for those hours we’re silent but really… are not our hearts still connected? Even when I’m not hearing from him physically, I have his voice in my mind, his love in my heart, our promise twisted around my finger. That’s how God is… a lot. There are times when you can’t hear Him, all you hear is the silence. The more you are together, the more time you pour into a person and they pour into you in, not so much return, but they just do. It’s then that you learn each others voice, movement and heartbeat.

That’s how I’m following God right now. I honestly don’t think I really want to hear anything. It’s so easy to put meaning to what you “hear”. Right now, I am just feeling God’s heart… like the peace He has placed in my heart, like a river flowing under everything else. I can’t really describe it properly. It’s almost like a numbness but more like a quiet… just this feeling of “this is what we have to do so let’s keep focus and do it.”

I’m a good bit terrified to on top of it all. Like a wave, it’ll crash over me every few hours. Are we insane? We don’t have an apartment or jobs that we know. We are going to be jobless and homeless in just a little bit more time. What kind of crazy am I to have this overwhelming peace that God has this and has our home and our job?

Oh silly self. Have faith.

Somewhere and I are preparing for our move… I kinda feel like I did before I met Somewhere. People would has if I had a boyfriend and I would say “Yes, I just haven’t met him yet.” People are now asking if we have jobs or a house, and I feel like replying “Yes, we just haven’t found them yet.” I know God has this firmly in his hands, and I have peace. This is all just a bit crazy. It seems to be a pattern in our lives so far that whenever Somewhere and I say “Yes, God, We’ll follow and do that” normally we have a plan of what God has in mind for us, and once he gets the commitment (which he should always have) BLAM! He rips plans out of our hands and tears them up.

And that’s all I have to say about that. ”Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”

I’m tired. Just plain tired.

I need Jesus so badly. My world crumbles when I start trying to do things on my own.

I’ve had a weird peace lately. Perhaps it’s closer to numbness. Maybe I’m so tired of making plans and seeing them fail that I’ve just closed myself off to feeling. I’m not sure really. I trust it though, and that may be stupid.

My whole life, or so it seems, I’ve trusted God and loved him. I never seem close enough. It’s been a while since faith has felt real. It more feels like walking. Something I barely take notice I’m doing. I don’t think that is all bad. Sometimes I just think it’d be nice if faith was sparkly and vibrant. I guess it’s like how you can’t set up house on the mountain.